I received a fantastic email from my baseball sister first thing at work yesterday morning. We usually communicate baseball-related phone messages and emails approximately two to twenty times a day, and this was a nugget I had to share with the Twins blogosphere. The piece may be in my name, but the words are hers.
Boof Bonser: Joseph! Missed you at 6-cent wings night on Thursday at Maxwell's! When ya gonna come out for some wings?
Joe: I go to bed early. I have to catch pretty much every day. Can we talk about Mike Sweeney for a sec?
Boof: I got a new tattoo, I was going to show you in the clubhouse but I couldn't find you--
Joe: I was with the trainers. About Sweeney--
Boof: It's full color, here, look--
Joe: Boof! Shirt down! Sweeney! Slider low and inside, please!
Boof: All business all the time, that's why you never get any action*, kid.
Joe: SLIDER!
Boof: All right. But later, you've gotta see it. I can get you a deal if you want one like it.
Joe: Let's go with a changeup for A.J. He's always early.
Ramon: I'll throw it in the dirt and make him look really stupid, OK?
Joe: Nah, a plain changeup will work fine. No need to put it in the dirt.
Ramon: Come on, amigo! Let's make that guy look like the jerk* he is. That moron* swings at everything, and have you met you? You can block anything in a ten-foot radius of the plate. Have a little fun.
Joe: You're starting to yell again. I think he can hear us.
Ramon: Oh. Right. Fastball, then?
Joe: Fastball. He'll miss.
Joe: (Stops. Pauses.) You're right. I'll go back to the plate.
Johan: Thank you.
Joe: Easy, Sid. You're fine. I just think we should talk about Jim Thome--
Joe:
Joe: It's all right,
Joe: Remember what we talked about,
Joe: I can't stay out here with you. How many have you had?
Joe: Yes,
Joe: YES?
Joe: Pitch,
Joe: Let's go outside corners with Hafner.
Silva: (Silence.)
Joe: And if he doesn't bite, run it in on his hands.
Silva: (More silence.)
Joe: Are you listening?
Silva: (More silence.)
Joe: You look like you're thinking about throwing a sinker. DON'T DO IT.
Silva: (Snorts and paws the rubber like a bull.)
Morneau to Joe, as they walk away from the mound: God he's scary. Doesn't he freak you out?
Joe: He would if I were shorter than him.
Justin: Maybe that's why Punto never comes in to talk when Silva's out here.
Joe: Probably. OK, let's get two!
Justin: Right on.
Joe: How about a breaking ball, please.
Jesse: Oh. OK. (Mumbles) No promises, though.
Joe: Try working him high and tight for a couple and then put something in the dirt. You know how he likes to swing.
Matt: OK. Get any chicks with those sideburns yet?
Joe: Shut up and pitch, please.
Matt: I'll take that as a no.
Joe: Well, I bet that beard last year was getting you a whole lot of nothing, Honest Abe. Two up and in, and then one in the dirt.
Matt: Fine.
Dennys Reyes: Hang on, I've got a Snickers in my pocket.
Joe: Leave it there, the ump is going to think you've got pine tar on your hands.
Dennys: Oh. You're probably right. Crap. I didn't get my seventh-inning snack in the bullpen and I'm starving!
Joe: Well, you have Dye 1 and 2, so come after him with a fastball on the inside corner and we can get to the dugout.
Dennys: Yeah! I think I saw
Joe: That's the spirit. Put some mustard on that fastball and we'll be out of here.
Dennys: Mmmmm, mustard...
Joe: Yes. Do that. And remember to check the runners, please.
Juan: Oh! Right! I always kind of forget they're there.
Joe: Yeah, pitching from the stretch all the time will do that to you.
Joe: Hey. You're fine. Just talk behind your glove and look worried.
Pat: Right. Why?
Joe: Just messing with Manny's head. He's never going to hit you anyways, just wanted to make it look like we're worried about him.
Pat: Sweet. I am kind of worried about his gums though, that guy's cruising for oral cancer in about five years with a wad like that.
Joe: Yeah, and he spits half a dozen times every at-bat. It's like a tar pit back there.
Pat: Gross. Should I hit him for you?
Joe: Nah, just strike him out.
Pat: Roger that.
Joe Nathan: Hey Joe, good work so far. I was thinking of staring everyone down from my long-legged, towering perch atop the mound, exhaling through my lips like a horse, and then blowing a bunch of flaming fastballs by these jokers. What do you think?
Joe Mauer: If I had another idea, I've forgotten it. Let's go with that.
4 comments:
That was good
Oh yeah, brilliant... and probably not too far off, either!
That's pure, absolute genius. Call your sister and thank her, on behalf of all of us.
That was awesome, great job!!
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