Sunday, July 15, 2007

Look Who's Talking

"Hi. I'm Justin. I'm kind of a big deal. I like to hit home runs, sometimes quite far. Like upper deck far. I hit one yesterday against some cat named Casilla. I feel a little bad because he hadn't given up a long ball in aboot 3 years and I nearly doubled his ERA with the swing. But I can't help it if the team needed a run. Any other circumstance and I'm content with simply ground rule doubling and leaving him with some semblance of self-confidence. But that's neither here nor there now. My ex- roommate Joe won the game for us in the bottom of the 9th, but he didn't hit a long homer. He hit a chopper over 2nd base. Not my cup of tea, but to each his own. If I had come up again in the 9th, I would've ended things a bit more emphatically. That's what reigning MVPs do. But Joe's the reigning batting titleist (Is that a word? I know they're golf clubs. That's another ball I like to hit quite far, but I'm digressing, eh?) and he has less flair for these things. He kinda has less flair in general, except for that cool fashion spread he had a few years back. Man, he's gonna hate me for bringing that up. I better shut up now. Uh, we cool Joe?"

"Yeah, we're cool Justin, but don't be hatin' on my hitting method. It's called lumber on the ball, and as long as I get to celebrate like paid entertainment at a Greek wedding (O-pah!), I'll chop balls wherever and whenever I see fit. While you're listening, congrats on your first round exit in the Derby. I'm not lettin you live that down anytime soon. Oh, and you're on trash duty next time you're over for digging up those pictures."

"Alright, that's enough outta both a yous. Quit yer yappin and keep winnin ballgames. Don't make me snarl in your general direction. (beep beep) Uh, hold on, I've got someone on the other line. I didn't even know this phone had call waiting."

"Coach - it's A.J. Wazzzzupp?! We won tonight! we didn't. Man, I'm sick of all this losing. I miss you. At least I understood you when you yelled at us. Oops, I forgot I was holding this shot. I can't remember this girl's name, but I'm gonna try and long-distance kiss her."

"A.J., wait. Don't try the long distance kiss. A tough lesson learned from my playing days if you know what I mean, heh heh. 'Cept we didn't have all these fruity concoctions you kids drink. A drink was meant to put hair on your chest. And girls liked hairy chests then. None of this shaved chest and fake tan stuff you see everywhere. I remember Wally Backman and Keith Hernandez used to have chest hair contests in the clubhouse. Ha! And a man was measured by his mustache. Golly, those were the days. You still there A.J.? Aw nuts."

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